I had a breakfast shake recipe planned for today’s post, but decided to go with something a little different. Something a little more personal and a little more from the heart than a blender drink.
Today I want to talk about letting go.
I know most people can go through college and say it was the best time of their life. The parties, the people, the spontaneity that comes with being young, wild, and free- all of it cumulating into the epic stories they tell their grandchildren 50 years later. “When I was your age…”. I don’t exactly fall into that category. The parties? Yup, fun! But not completely my thing. I’m not your typical college student who lives for Friday and Saturday nights and rages like there will be no tomorrow. I’m more of a kickback with good friends, fun games and laughter kinda girl than your typical keg-standing, shot-chugging student. And I’m perfectly fine with that. The people? Amazing. I love my friends and the personal bonds I’ve made with them. I will never forget all the late night girl-talks that revolve around anything from politics, feminism, the state of the world, and, of course, the naughty and inappropriate jokes and stories that bring out bursts of laughter (I would also like to take this moment to apologize to Tiana for constantly being the butt of our jokes. I know it must…. stirrup a lot of emotions 😉 😉 😉 ). The diverse group of people here that differ so wildly from the cookie-cutter versions that everyone tries to emulate in high school make my heart happy. Surrounding myself with wonderful people who introduce me to new cultures and ways of thinking constantly astounds me. The acceptance we all have for each other never ceases to amaze me.
My biggest regret so far has been limiting my spontaneity and adventurous soul for textbooks and grades and cold nights at the library and piles of flashcard that take me longer than I care to admit just to organize. I sometimes feel like I cage myself within my own mind and let the stress and anxiety that many of my fellow student feel and deal with just fine overpower me. I know it partly stems from the fact that my major is just plain hard- especially going down the pre-med route. Biology is challenging, but my passion. Case in point, I can’t even begin to explain how jealous I am that some of my housemates had the opportunity to hold a human brain in one of their classes. But I know it goes deeper than that. I’ve come to realize that so much of it is self-induced. I come from a hometown that has the aura of expectation surrounding it. Expectation to get the best SAT scores. Expectation to get into the best college. Expectation to get the best internships and the best jobs. I guess I feel like I grew up in a bubble of expectations for success. Hell, my high school is ranked within the top 100 in the US and I always felt the push to study harder to keep up with all my smart friends and to impress my teachers. I don’t feel like I’ve ever failed to meet those unspoken expectations, but they have subtly, but steadily, taken a toll on me. I can’t even count how many times I’ve declined hanging out with friends, exploring Santa Barbara, watching a movie with my housemates, and letting myself really experience college and live. I also can’t count the number of times I’ve cried into Kyle’s shoulder from all the stress I was putting on myself, the amount of restless nights I’ve had due to my brain trying to solve problems in my dreams, and the amount of weight I’ve lost from the anxiety making me feel nauseous around food for a full two weeks before my finals. And I’m not talking a light appetite, I’m talking not being able to even force myself to eat more than a few bites a day. This is 100% not okay. I love and respect my body and it deserves much more than that.
And all of this coming from me feeling like no amount of work I put in was ever enough. To be honest, I could do much less work and still get the same great grades. I overstudy and overwork myself like no other and feel so driven by these demons of irrational anxiety. Not okay. I like to keep my little blog a place of happiness, but sometimes a bit of real talk is necessary.
And this needs to change. I need to let go of this unreasonable mindset I’ve somehow pushed myself into these last few years. One of my goals for the year is to stress less and enjoy life more. Yup, I’m making it one of my main resolutions to not work as hard in school. All of these feelings and the inspiration for this post came from the sunset walk that Kyle and I took on the beach today. The sunset was absolutely breathtaking and it hit me hard. This is what I’ve been missing- all for words and numbers on heavy books, forcing my Type A self to rehearse knowledge and systems that I didn’t trust myself to remember.
I haven’t let myself enjoy the freakin’ amazing location of my campus and think it’s absolutely necessary for me to devote more of my time to enjoying my college experience. You literally just hop over the fence in my backyard and take a 20 foot path down to the beach. That’s it. I have NO excuse whatsoever to not take full advantage of that, yet I can count on one hand how many times I’ve gone down there to enjoy its beauty since coming to school here. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Kyle and I have decided that we’re going to alternate choosing a fun little activity to do every week to help us get out more (he’s an engineering major so he undergoes the same levels of stress and work as I do, he just handles it MUCH better and more rationally than me) and to help me get over the feeling of dread that I get whenever I feel like I have to compromise my study and work time for something new, fun, and adventurous. I’m going to set boundaries for myself on the number of times I review notes or practice problems (there is no need for you to review the same problem 13 times, Christine. Stop it) and try to train myself out of the mindset that it’s okay for me to feel so anxious about my studies all the time. Even though I know I’ve overworked myself for my first few years here at UCSB, I want to spend my remaining time soaking up every last bit of my school and friends. I want to not feel guilty about spending time on my blog and photography. I want to give myself time to read and return to the bibliophile I was growing up!
So here I am, 2 hours later without even properly being able to articulate the feelings churning inside me and thinking that a protein shake recipe post would have been a heck of a lot easier to write. I’m hoping, though, that spewing out this muddled resolution helps me stick with it! Here’s to a happier 2015! Thanks for sticking with me through this lengthy post!
