I had a breakfast shake recipe planned for today’s post, but decided to go with something a little different. Something a little more personal and a little more from the heart than a blender drink.
Today I want to talk about letting go.
I know most people can go through college and say it was the best time of their life. The parties, the people, the spontaneity that comes with being young, wild, and free- all of it cumulating into the epic stories they tell their grandchildren 50 years later. “When I was your age…”. I don’t exactly fall into that category. The parties? Yup, fun! But not completely my thing. I’m not your typical college student who lives for Friday and Saturday nights and rages like there will be no tomorrow. I’m more of a kickback with good friends, fun games and laughter kinda girl than your typical keg-standing, shot-chugging student. And I’m perfectly fine with that. The people? Amazing. I love my friends and the personal bonds I’ve made with them. I will never forget all the late night girl-talks that revolve around anything from politics, feminism, the state of the world, and, of course, the naughty and inappropriate jokes and stories that bring out bursts of laughter (I would also like to take this moment to apologize to Tiana for constantly being the butt of our jokes. I know it must…. stirrup a lot of emotions 😉 😉 😉 ). The diverse group of people here that differ so wildly from the cookie-cutter versions that everyone tries to emulate in high school make my heart happy. Surrounding myself with wonderful people who introduce me to new cultures and ways of thinking constantly astounds me. The acceptance we all have for each other never ceases to amaze me.
My biggest regret so far has been limiting my spontaneity and adventurous soul for textbooks and grades and cold nights at the library and piles of flashcard that take me longer than I care to admit just to organize. I sometimes feel like I cage myself within my own mind and let the stress and anxiety that many of my fellow student feel and deal with just fine overpower me. I know it partly stems from the fact that my major is just plain hard- especially going down the pre-med route. Biology is challenging, but my passion. Case in point, I can’t even begin to explain how jealous I am that some of my housemates had the opportunity to hold a human brain in one of their classes. But I know it goes deeper than that. I’ve come to realize that so much of it is self-induced. I come from a hometown that has the aura of expectation surrounding it. Expectation to get the best SAT scores. Expectation to get into the best college. Expectation to get the best internships and the best jobs. I guess I feel like I grew up in a bubble of expectations for success. Hell, my high school is ranked within the top 100 in the US and I always felt the push to study harder to keep up with all my smart friends and to impress my teachers. I don’t feel like I’ve ever failed to meet those unspoken expectations, but they have subtly, but steadily, taken a toll on me. I can’t even count how many times I’ve declined hanging out with friends, exploring Santa Barbara, watching a movie with my housemates, and letting myself really experience college and live. I also can’t count the number of times I’ve cried into Kyle’s shoulder from all the stress I was putting on myself, the amount of restless nights I’ve had due to my brain trying to solve problems in my dreams, and the amount of weight I’ve lost from the anxiety making me feel nauseous around food for a full two weeks before my finals. And I’m not talking a light appetite, I’m talking not being able to even force myself to eat more than a few bites a day. This is 100% not okay. I love and respect my body and it deserves much more than that.
And all of this coming from me feeling like no amount of work I put in was ever enough. To be honest, I could do much less work and still get the same great grades. I overstudy and overwork myself like no other and feel so driven by these demons of irrational anxiety. Not okay. I like to keep my little blog a place of happiness, but sometimes a bit of real talk is necessary.
And this needs to change. I need to let go of this unreasonable mindset I’ve somehow pushed myself into these last few years. One of my goals for the year is to stress less and enjoy life more. Yup, I’m making it one of my main resolutions to not work as hard in school. All of these feelings and the inspiration for this post came from the sunset walk that Kyle and I took on the beach today. The sunset was absolutely breathtaking and it hit me hard. This is what I’ve been missing- all for words and numbers on heavy books, forcing my Type A self to rehearse knowledge and systems that I didn’t trust myself to remember.
I haven’t let myself enjoy the freakin’ amazing location of my campus and think it’s absolutely necessary for me to devote more of my time to enjoying my college experience. You literally just hop over the fence in my backyard and take a 20 foot path down to the beach. That’s it. I have NO excuse whatsoever to not take full advantage of that, yet I can count on one hand how many times I’ve gone down there to enjoy its beauty since coming to school here. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Kyle and I have decided that we’re going to alternate choosing a fun little activity to do every week to help us get out more (he’s an engineering major so he undergoes the same levels of stress and work as I do, he just handles it MUCH better and more rationally than me) and to help me get over the feeling of dread that I get whenever I feel like I have to compromise my study and work time for something new, fun, and adventurous. I’m going to set boundaries for myself on the number of times I review notes or practice problems (there is no need for you to review the same problem 13 times, Christine. Stop it) and try to train myself out of the mindset that it’s okay for me to feel so anxious about my studies all the time. Even though I know I’ve overworked myself for my first few years here at UCSB, I want to spend my remaining time soaking up every last bit of my school and friends. I want to not feel guilty about spending time on my blog and photography. I want to give myself time to read and return to the bibliophile I was growing up!
So here I am, 2 hours later without even properly being able to articulate the feelings churning inside me and thinking that a protein shake recipe post would have been a heck of a lot easier to write. I’m hoping, though, that spewing out this muddled resolution helps me stick with it! Here’s to a happier 2015! Thanks for sticking with me through this lengthy post!
This definitely struck a chord with me. Your raw honesty is so refreshing.
Thanks, Molly. Sending you lots of love <3.
I think your idea to plan one fun thing a week with Kyle is a great one. I remember being so stressed out and over-worked my junior year that I lost 15 pounds in 3 months and it did not look good on me! I totally believe you should work really hard in college, but it’s also super important to have fun and make lots of memories.
And keg stands are over-rated. I did my first one right before graduation and let’s just say the night didn’t end well.
Gah- that sounds awful, but not far from where I’ve been! I definitely need to focus more on creating good memories and enjoying my college time. Hah! Wish I could have seen it 😉
Oh wow I really, really love this post. I think it’s so easy to get caught up in what’s expected of us and fall behind in actually doing the things we enjoy doing. Here’s the the best second semester ever lady! Work less, play more, and enjoy the rest of your college experience
Thanks, Erin! I’m definitely going to work on (hahah) relaxing more!
Thanks so much for posting this, Christine! I know these kinds of posts are way harder to write, but I think this is something a lot of us struggle with. I know that in high school, I was really focused on grades and school, and I’ve been able to ease up and let myself have more fun in college….but it’s hard to find that balance! Obviously I want to have fun and relax, but not start making straight B’s & C’s all of a sudden.
And I’m a fellow bibliophile who’s turned into much less of one as I’ve gotten older because I have less time, but reading is something I’d love to get back to doing more.
But yes, definitely don’t feel guilty about the time you spend on your blog or photography! Those are your creative outlets and they’re something you obviously love
Isn’t it hard to find that balance? I used to justify it by saying that everyone felt the same way and, if I didn’t over stress and work till I cried, I wasn’t trying hard enough. Madness. Complete madness. Ah! A fellow book lover. Let me know if you have any good recommendations or if you want to simultaneously read the same novel so we can have our own little virtual book club! 😀
Having made it through engineering school I think I understand your feelings. I had the same epiphany junior year, and drastically reduced the hours I spent studying, you know what? My grades went up (barley, but they did). I think over stressing made me freak out on tests and actually do worse. I think you have the right idea, and you will make out just fine with all of this. Also boys never seem to stress as much as girls do about stuff like that (My fiance went to college with me as well. He’s an environmental scientist), it’s just not fair.
First off, I’m thoroughly impressed in the fact that you did engineering! And this –> “I think over stressing made me freak out on tests and actually do worse.” THAT IS ME. And isn’t it odd how there’s that significant difference between the stress levels of boys and girls? Go figure!
this is so great and so nice to read, its a refresher for all of us. it’s SO easy to get caught up in life, and deadlines to forget the true meaning of what LIFE is all about. thanks for the reminder, xoxo
Isn’t it? I swear, sometimes I get SO wrapped up in all the small things and deadlines that I don’t let myself live. I need to break that habit!
Girl!! This is better than any shake recipe (although I’m sure it was delicious!!) Seriously, thank you for willing to be so open!! You deserve the best!! “Here’s to a happier 2015!!” Love it
Thanks for all the love <3. Hope you have the happiest 2015 as well!
I think it is so amazing that you posted this. You alluded to it a few times before, but to actually be so open and honest about your experience is so inspiring. I remember the way I felt about comp sci last semester, and so multiplying that by 5 is just unimaginable for me. No wonder you got stressed! But you obviously know exactly what you need to do and are doing it, which will be a perfect reminder for everyone reading this post!
Annnnd, thank you for making me feel like less of a freak for not wanting to party all. the. time. in college. It seems like everywhere I turn people are just going hard every night, and it’s really nice to see that I’m not the only one.
P.S. I had no idea you wanted to go to medical school?! Is this a new thing or am I just incredibly unobservant / in my own world?
First off, SCREW COMP SCI! But jokes on that stupid class since you passed and did an amazing job in the end 😉 . Oh and don’t even worry about that. When I was a freshman, I was so worried and wrapped up in always going out with my friends, even if I wasn’t really feeling it. I’ve realized now that there’s no point in trying to be someone I’m not, so staying in and not having to deal with judgy friends is just my cup of tea :). And I’m technically going down the pre-med route in terms of the classes I’m taking for my major, but I think I want to do more of a soft medicine like physical therapy
First off, SCREW COMP SCI! But jokes on that stupid class since you passed and did an amazing job in the end 😉 . Oh and don’t even worry about that. When I was a freshman, I was so worried and wrapped up in always going out with my friends, even if I wasn’t really feeling it. I’ve realized now that there’s no point in trying to be someone I’m not, so staying in and not having to deal with judgy friends is just my cup of tea :). And I’m technically going down the pre-med route in terms of the classes I’m taking for my major, but I think I want to do more of a soft medicine like physical therapy
I think this is something a lot of us have or do struggle with! Thank you for sharing your honest and REAL thoughts and emotions with us! Soak up these moments, they will be gone before you know it!
The most real and thoughtful posts always are the hardest to write! Thanks for the positive support, lady <3!
Sometimes we’re our best friend & worst enemy at the same time. I think as long as you recognize your tendencies and weaknesses you can be aware of what and why you’re doing things. That helps keep things in perspective. You got this girl! Stop worrying. Start living!!!
So much truth in your first line. I really need to be hyperaware about these detrimental habits I have and do my best to keep a positive and proactive viewpoint on them. Thanks for the advice, girlie <3!
I completely relate to this. I was SO hard on myself in high school and that behavior transitioned over to the first year of college. Sophomore year I started to focus less on school (sounds bad but it wasn’t) and more on building a life. This year I think I’ve found a good balance and while I still get stressed I make sure to allow myself free time to do what makes me happy. Good for you!
Oh don’t worry girl- I TOTALLY don’t think it sounds bad at all! It’s funny to think that a lot of other students are struggling to work harder when it was/is the opposite way for us. I’m searching for the balance and am so glad you’ve found a happy place!
This was definitely a different type of post, but a great read. I was so much like you when I was in school, and I’m still that way now!
I put WAAAAAY too much pressure on myself, and work way too hard. It’s not healthy or sustainable, and leads to eventual burnout.
Change in certain areas of our lives can be easy (adding a fitness routine, eating better, staying more organized, etc), but changing your mindset is really tough. It’s something I’ve improved upon a lot, but it’s a constant struggle because it’s in my nature.
I wish I had advice, but I don’t, really. I just came to say thanks for sharing, and to echo the comments here to say you’re not alone in these feelings!
Jackie
Something About That
You are so right in it leading to burnout. I feel like I’m basically a crispy right now and REALLY need to relax and care less for my health. I also wholeheartedly agree that changing your mindset on things is insanely hard. I just have to work on it one day at a time! Thanks, love <3
Girl I feel ya and honestly you’re so much smarter then me for realizing it before you’ve graduated. I was not the typical college student like you said above and it wasn’t until I graduated and left that I really understood how much I missed out on. I’m back in Grad school now but even before I went back to school I tried to live with a more present mindset, and especially explored my surroundings more! I have a feeling your 2015 is going to be amazing!!
I’m so glad you’re deciding to YOLO it up a bit! I know college is NOT the same as high school, but I’ve recently let up some on being a perfectionist when it comes to school work. I just got my report card today and HEY, my grades are still awesome if not a little better! But I’m glad you’re going to enjoy life more
I can totally, 100% relate to this, especially as a Bio major. Not only is there so much stress around classes, but I feel like I don’t take advantage of and appreciate my amazing school enough. It’s easy to get stuck in the dark hole of schoolwork and never come out!
What an open, honest and vulnerable post. Thank you for sharing it and this part of you. I wish you all the success in the world with your goals; it sounds like you’re already on the way there. Keep at it.
I can relate a LOT to how you’re feeling… I’m a Human Biology major & it is NOT easy!! This past semester really beat me down… I spent so much time feeling depressed, stressed, completely overwhelmed, & crying. I tried to be it all & do it all, spreading myself way too thin. My anxiety peaked, & I felt I could barely handle it at times. I was miserable.
I think you have some great goals & are in an amazingly beautiful location (so jealous) – I’m here in the frozen tundra of grayness… I really hope you’re able to enjoy yourself more this next semester! I hope to aim to do the same a bit more now that internship applications are nearing a close soon. Here’s to better semesters for both of us!! Hang in there girl!!
Like others above said, it’s refreshing to read a post that puts so much of your raw emotion on the table. I can relate because I’m an over studier myself. My BF thinks I’m terrible.
Whats important is that you’re realizing that you can be just as awesome with a smudge less stress. I wish you the best of luck exploring spontaneity and your area. Have fun, laugh and smile as much as you can and in the meantime… I saw this link on another blog you have to look at #22. It’s all you!!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/lilyboo/pictures-that-will-make-you-say-awwwwwwwwwwww
Wow. Thank you for this post. I am a freshman in college and reading this has given me hope for the future! You are an incredible woman with the passion and ambition to thrive in life. I hope I can realize my full potential just like you have! Thanks again
You are SO sweet! Thank you so much for your kind words and support :). I hope you’re having an amazing first year!! You will do GREAT!
Oh Christine, you are incredible!!! I always wondered how you studied so much.. you just seemed so dedicated. I’ve had a lot of similar thoughts lately (not college stuff..) but about enjoying the little things, and it has made a huge difference. It’s OKAY if I want to just chill and enjoy my time whether it be going down by the water with a good book or taking a night to do nothing! We need those for our bodies! I lovelovelove all of these sunset pics <3 such a beautiful post! I have a realllyyy honest and raw post that is almost done and you've given me to courage to post it without any regrets!
Love ya girly!!
You are too sweet, Leigha! I honestly pushed myself way too hard and it wasn’t healthy at all. I think we’re both pretty similar in that we have lofty goals and expectations and we sometimes need to take a step back and look at all the work we’re doing with fresh eyes. We both need to work (haha, more work) on dedicating more time to ourselves! I can’t wait to read your raw post! I’m here for support if you EVER need it :).